iLike

YOU.

Mine

i fell in love once, then i fell out.

i cried once, then i smiled.

i thought about you once, then i stopped.

i need to be rid of you so that i can feel again.

it won't be easy, it won't be fun.

i know i have to do it, for my sanity.

You don't own me anymore.

My love is free.

My love is wild.

My love is mine to give,

and I'm not giving it to you any longer.

Right now.

I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts right now.

I may think something stupid.

Silly girl.

Love isn't for you.

Words..

Words.

...Are meant to be a way for one to fully express their inner emotions, thoughts, and dreams so that others may read and weep. What happens when you can’t explain the way you feel. What happens when you can’t bring yourself to think or write what you really mean. Words cannot describe how I feel right now because I myself cannot explain it. There is much to be said but no desire to say it. Fear of the feelings that may divulge if the true words are spoken. Emotional release does not sound tempting, only terrifying. Why must everything be so complicated. To have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all is something I think is a maxim said only to make ourselves feel better about being alone. About not being able to get what you want out of fear. If only the words that are screaming in me could come out and feel the sun. Perhaps then they could shrivel up along with the rest of the past I thought I had laid to rest. No for now the fear that they may haunt me stops my breath. Stops me dead in my path towards turmoil.

Dear thoughts that cannot ever be,

be gone.

W.W.C.D.

What Would Coco Do?

Epitome of a Woman

Pink Lace.

I want to be surrounded by it.

Along with pearls

How did they know?

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?

Perhaps I too should spend months in a remote cabin to think of things like this.

Emancipation

This is a song for anyone
With a broken heart
This is a song for anyone
Who can't get out of bed

I'll do anything
To be happy
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

This is the last song
That I write
While still in love with you

This is the last song
That I write
While you're even on my mind

Cause it's time to leave
Those feelings behind
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going
I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going

But blue skies are calling
Oh yeah blue skies are calling
Oh blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

Blue skies By Noah and The Whale

It's been long old chap.

I am sitting here, eating my cereal sans milk contemplating going for a run, cleaning my room, checking my bank statements, and other things I know I will not do. To say that I am a procrastinator is an understatement at most. I think I have a fear of the unknown. That's it! I've got it! I do not like not knowing! Yet I love not knowing. Eh I am about as complicated as it gets.

I have also realized that aside from having a fear of disappointing myself, I have a worse one of disappointing others. In particular society. There is so much I want to do with my life that does not include being in the workplace, and yet I am spending the next for years at an institution to teach me the skills I need to do just that; be in the workplace... for the rest of my life. Tell me that doesn't sound terrifying! I have a hard enough time choosing what I want to have for breakfast in the morning, (you should have seen this mornings scuffle), how am I going to choose what I want to do forever?... FOR EVE RRRRRR.

The problem lies in the fact that I am a multifaceted person with a personality to match. I am never really consistent in what I wear, what I eat, who I like, what I listen to. My decisions are constantly changing. So how will I know if I choose a vocation now, I will like it when I am 20?, 30?, 40? Will I really want to do it till the day I cannot work any longer?

Senses...time...fleeting?

All of my senses are working in perfect synchrony with each other. I know this because lately all of them have been working extra hard to give me an intense sense of nostalgia that i didn't ask for. It seems that i can't smell, look, or hear anything normal with out reminiscing about the past. The past that hasn't even passed for that long. I am still arch enemies with change, and this newfound rebellion my body has acquired isn't helping at all. I have realized that life goes by so fast and if you don't grab it by the hand and ask it to dance then you'll just end up with a lifetime of regrets and depressing nostalgia. I want to run through the halls of high school and of course, scream at the top of my lungs. But those days are over. I welcome now, with still hesitant arms, the future...my future...my new life. I have always thought of myself as a chameleon. Always able to make friends and blend to the latest mix. So why am i handling what should be the best time of my life with such trepidation? I need a new outlook fast.

Until then i will just keep bathing in the hot summer sun, listening to 90's pop, reading teen angst books, and thinking about youth, my youth, and what i am going to do with it while it is still here.

A sad yet warm nostalgia comes over me, and i know for the first time in a long time that it is all going to be okay.

Why

Oh Why. Am i different?

Am i no longer happy?

Am i even sad?

I am so indifferent to life it scares me.

I want to feel alive again.

I like being late...

As i jump in the shower at 2 p.m., Knowing that the party begins...now, i realize i like being late to social gatherings. I think it is the subconscious notion that i create a sense of anticipation (well i hope i do) in people who are waiting for me to arrive. I hope that in my absence people are wondering where i am, if i am even coming, if i am okay, how i am doing, and other such things. I think it stems from my constant need to feel wanted. Is this bad? Probably. But at the same time its kind of fun and satisfactory when i arrive at my destination and am greeted by smiles and open arms and a mass of people saying HEYYY!!!! we missed you.

I like being missed.

I like being wanted.

I like being welcome.

I like being late.

today

I woke up at 2 p.m.
Waitressed.
Smelled laurens smelly feet.
Was happy.